Sunday

Sunday was one of those days where I was reminded I live in a foreign country. Not in the you're-a-strange-furriner bad way, but just a day I was reminded just how different the customs are here from what I grew up with.

Sunday was the seventh anniversary of the deaths of U's paternal grandparents. (I'm not sure about the specifics, but special Buddhist rites are held at certain times after a death - particularly 1, 7, 13 years after) Although the rites can be held in the home (at the family alter) or in a temple, U's family chose to hold them at one of the special halls at the cemetery.

Bright and early Sunday morning three generations of U's family met at the cemetery. We sat in a nondescript waiting room with a few other black-clad families, supping tea from the automated tea machine. The screen on the wall indicated which family was in which hall when. Each family was attended by a Buddhist priest, whose robes were the only spots of colour in the room. Our priest knows the family well and didn't even blink when he saw me sitting beside U. He greeted U's father (the eldest son) and the two disappeared behind a partition for a few minutes to sort out the sordid financial details.

Soon enough it was our turn and we went into the hall. There was a flurry of activity as U and his uncle brought out the large framed photographs and U's mother and youngest sister unwrapped the tablets inscribed with the posthumous Buddhist names. These were all arranged properly, the janitor popped in new candle tops and lit them, and the Buddhist priest started chanting as we took our seats. Partway through the ceremony we all went up one by one and placed three pinches of incense chips onto a pile if cinders.

Being the partner of the eldest son of the eldest son (eeek!) there weren't many family members in front of me for me to watch, but I managed to get my bows and incense pinching done properly, apparently. But there was more still to come.

We were rushed out of the hall, the next family waiting and the janitor bustling about with new candle tops and more incense. We clambered back into our cars and drove through the cemetery. U's mother and youngest sister collected a bucket of water and ladle, and we went to the grave. The grave had already been cleared of weeds, so we placed bouquets in the holders and ladled water onto the stone monument. The priest (with a different colour over-robe) arrived with new name boards, which were placed into the back of the monument, and the smaller name tablets (from the family alter at home) were unwrapped and placed at the front. More chanting was followed by all family members placing a few sticks of incense in front of the monument. The priest bowed and left, and the rest if us posed for a picture in front of the grave (no peace fingers!)

Then back to the cars and off to the restaurant near U's parents' place. The restaurant had readied a basin of water and bowls of salt. We threw pinches of salt over ourselves and washed our hands (to "cleanse" ourselves) and then went into a private room within the restaurant. The framed photos of grandpa and grandma were set up and presented with food and sake. After the men in the family (except for U, who had to drive us home) had had their fill of beer and we had all stuffed ourselves, we walked through the parking lot and back to U's parents' place.

As soon as we walked through the door everybody disappeared off to change, and U's mother set out tea, coffee, and even more food. We relaxed and chatted, and U's mother and I began discussing cremation and funeral rites. She couldn't understand the concept of total cremation - how would you then recognize your loved one's bones? I tried to refrain from shuddering as I told her that for me the idea of passing around the bones of a dearly departed family member (part of a Japanese funeral) was a rather gruesome prospect.

But, despite how strongly different the whole experience felt for me, U's family never once made me feel uncomfortable (well, except for both of his aunts and their cousin all grilling him about when he is going to propose!) I dressed the part - black skirt and top, pearl necklace. It was U who didn't quite fit in - for some strange reason when packing for the weekend he grabbed a blue shirt instead of the necessary white one. His entire family enjoyed ribbing him about that! When asked he said simply that it was his favourite shirt... Um?! So he and his mother had to go through his old clothes and find an old white shirt that he had outgrown (the collar button wouldn't close but better than one of his father's shirts where the arms were too short!) And he also left his jacket at home - when asked about that one he tried to use the "cool-biz" excuse, but he was the only non black jacketed guy in the entire cemetery! Who's the furriner now?!

Monday!!

After what has seemed like endless weekends eaten up by moving (packing, moving, unpacking, furniture shopping, furniture deliveries, more unpacking...) we finally had a relaxing weekend. We got away for a night, ate delicious food, had some hilarious conversations, and he voted.

Huh?

We went to his parents place for the weekend. U came home from work early on Saturday and after a late lunch we headed out there, arriving in time for dinner. A weekend at the inlaws may not seem the most relaxing of times, but we had good fun. It was nice being cooked for, we were taken out for a delicious lunch at a historical microbrewery, and we came home laden down with gifts (plates, glasses, le creuset baking dishes, bowls, and a SEWING MACHINE... wahooooo!)

I spent most of my time there laughing - U is sooooo much like his father in so many ways and it cracks me up to see especially when his mother and I commiserate over certain habits and the two men vehemently deny that either of them do that particular thing...

But now it's Monday again and, I'm beginning to run trough my mental lists of everything that needs to be done at work - it promises to be a busy week!

Guilt

I was all set to write my TILT post on Thursday when I opened my email inbox to find an email that started:

Dear Sarah, your father is fine but"
(which of course means he is quite anything but fine!!!)
"he is in the hospital."
(fine?! fine?! They don't just randomly hospitalize people who are FINE!")

With the time difference it was about 12 hours before I could actually try and call my dad, and in the end nearly a fullday before I got a hold of him. While I knew he had injured his knee in "a fall" I didn't know what had happened so my over-active imagination made off with my over-achieving worry gene and the two had some sort of picnic where they feasted on a whole lot of far-away-from-home-only-child guilt. I know my father is surrounded by family (especially his wonderful elder sister!) and plenty of friends too, but he lives alone and the guilt for not being there myself was pretty strong.

U snuck out of the lab to call me as soon as he got my text message. He was ready to throw me on a plane immediately and then follow me as soon as he could himself. (have I mentioned that I love the boy? No wonder my dad does too!)

Once I did get through to my dad, once I heard his voice and got the story behind the "fall" (suffice to say that while I appear to be the only one in the family with the ability to consistently walk into doorframes and trip over my own feet, at least I tend to notice huge holes in the pavement in front of me) I felt a lot better. Yes, I am still worried about my dad, and yes, he has 6 weeks of not bending his leg (making all the stairs at his place just a tad tricky to manage), but he truly is fine. He won't be galavanting off around the globe for the research trips he had planned, and will surely drive his big sis batty as she has so kindly agreed to have him spend a few weeks with her at her (stairless) home. But once he can walk again hopefully he'll be coming to Japan for a nice long visit with his very far away only child.

Great Expecations

When I took U home for Christmas many friends asked if he was going to be asking for my dad's permission for my hand. I got pretty tired of coming up with responses as nothing I said seemed to satisfy anybody. But apparently that was only a trial run, small fry to the expectations awaiting us on our return...

When U and I arrived at his parent's place a few weeks ago (a week or so after getting back) for a large family gathering his father's first words were "So do you have a big announcent to make?"

After meeting me his female cousins (of 8 in their generation only 2 are male and the other guy was the only member if the clan not at the gathering) started discussing good locations for weddings. The result was that Nara would be nice.

U's father couldn't keep his eyes off me when I demonstrated proper baby-holding skills while holding the youngest member of the family so her grandma could actually eat.

U has apparently been told by multiple members of his family to "make things official" before I have te chance to "run away."

.....

And, before anybody asks, no, there are no plans to live up to those expectations quite yet. One step at a time, and our next step is moving in together over the next couple of months. Somehow I think that's only going to ratchet up the expectations and comments, however!

FFILT - family, food, & things I love Thursday

- sunny Vancouver days (FINALLY!!)
- views of snow-capped mountains
- walks by the ocean
- walks through old growth forest
- roast pork and apple sauce
- apple pie and imperial cheese
- fresh hot Montreal-style bagels
- homemade turkey soup
- Christmas leftovers (a 24 lb bird for Christmas means LOTS of yummy leftovers!)
- "flunch" with 2 generations of female relatives (U and the other boys were sent off elsewhere)

Grandma

While I guessed that it was unlikely that U's grandma would be recovering enough to go to the nearby restaurant for dinner with all of us (or attend the wedding she was planning for me and her grandson) I had been looking forward to going to see her again. Unfortunately, however, that won't be happening.

Grandma had a visit this morning from one of U's cousins and the girl's little baby. The visit was a great success, with great-grandchild and great-grandma laughing and enjoying themselves thoroughally. Shortly after the visit grandma passed away peacefully.

U and I are both very glad we went to see her, and take heart in how happy she was to meet me and how relieved and pleased she was that U is happy and "taken care of."

The funeral and all are happening on Thursday and Friday, and U told me not to take the time off work, so I won't be attending my first Japanese funeral. I will be lighting some incense for her, however, and having an unagi dinner in her honour very soon.

Handshakes and baby pics

We got on the road later yesterday than we had planned, but we arrived at U's parents' place mid-afternoon. Any awkwardness was quickly abated when U tried to enter the house by one of the sliding doors on the side - and his mother and I simultaneously reprimanded him, saying we should enter the house properly by the front door. U just shrugged his shoulders, seemingly unsure why such formality was needed, while his mother and I laughed.

My chocolates were a big hit, his sister particularly pleased with the nuts on the one she chose. We chatted a bit over iced coffee, talking about ice hockey and Toshogu shrines - at which point I somewhat tongue-in-cheek apologized for the strange hobbies I was causing U to pick up. His mother laughed and his sister said "not at all, I'm just happy that my big brother has found somebody that fits him so well!"

The four of us headed out to U's aunt and uncle's house on the other side of the stream to visit his grandmother - a tiny old woman curled under a fuzzy blanket in a hospital-type bed set up in a tatami room in the house. She was overjoyed to meet me, repeatedly reaching out a shaking hand to clasp mine and shake it much more vigorously than her frail body seemed capable of! Over and over again she thanked me for visiting and entrusted U to me (U ha yoroshiku oneigai shimasu). As we were about to leave she gripped my hand and leaned towards me, looking me straight in the eyes and said "I must get better very quickly so that we can all go to the restaurant down the street together." I squeezed her hand and assured her that I looked forward to going to the restaurant with her, and yes, she had better get better soon. As we then left I heard her saying to U's younger sister that "U's bride (oyomei-san) looks very kind, doesn't she?!" Apparently she followed this up with a vow to get better very quickly so that she could attend the wedding. (ummm... wedding? ummmm....)

Having had a quick cup of tea with U's aunt and uncle the two of us then escaped for a wander around his old neighbourhood - the local shrine and a big park just a few minutes walk away. We found a bench in one part of the park, overlooking a large grassy area dotted with young families playing catch, running about, and chasing dogs. As the sun set, however, it got a bit chilly - and then we were dive-bombed by a toy airplane so we decided to head back.

U's father arrived home and the five of us headed to the nearby restaurant (I somehow felt guilty that I wasn't waiting for grandma to get better and join us!). Dinner went over well, conversation and much laughing. The best part of the evening, however, came when we went back to the house and U's father pulled out the old home movies and his mother pulled out U's (very dusty) baby albums! U and I had a great time looking at his old photos and we all laughed over movies of the other baby sister making a mess of a rapidly melting popsicle, and of U pulling a minor temper-tantrum when he couldn't quite get the hang of riding his bike.

U and I headed off to repeated requests from the entire family to come again soon - and promises for his mother, sister, and I to go to an ume-shu bar I know in Tokyo! U's mother later texted him to thank him for the visit, saying that him bringing me for a visit was the best mother's day gift she had ever gotten.

I'd say the day was a success, eh?

Things to love on a Friday

Where did March go? Here I was thinking that I'd have lots of free time to do all sorts of things before April hit and I'd be working 5 days a week... and then the reality of March happened - with a class trip, frantic extra work at the museum getting a special exhibit ready, and before I knew it my dad was arriving and grad was happening and now it is April... eek. So, here goes a long-last Things I love Thursday - a day late.

- graduation (wearing a hakama wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected it was actually great fun! the worst part was wearing heeled boots - I don't do heels!!)
- discovering that my actual diploma has two parts - one in Japanese and one in English
- having my advisor tell me that just because I was graduating didn't mean I was no longer his student and DEFINITELY didn't mean I was going to stop learning (or attending his study groups!)
- coffee dates with my dad (proving I can blame my coffee addiction on genetics)
- making the same puns as my dad (at the same time too!) and then being able to make similar puns in Japanese too!
- cooking for my dad (he LOVED the crab and green onion miso soup I threw together in a few minutes)
- sharing graduation with my dad (and having him take TONS of pictures - including a priceless one of me and a friend in our hakama with the university's football team!)
- chatting with my dad (umm, do you see a trend here?!)
- good meals with plenty of drinks shared with my father and my friends (we went out for dinner/drinks with my advisor, my sempai, a family friend, and...)
- three days in Shizuoka with my men - we ate amazing seafood, the boys drank sake and bonded... it was an amazing trip and a great way to break the ice. They both really like each other, and both are excited about a trip to Canada for Christmas!

My dad left yesterday and I miss him a lot - although I must admit it is nice having my itty-bitty little apartment back, it really is too small to share comfortably for any length of time when lare suitcases are thrown into the mix!